CHILD CUSTODY & PARENTING TIME
If your child refuses visitation with the other parent, you generally should continue following your custody or parenting-time order while you try to understand what is wrong. If your child describes abuse, neglect, substance use, or another immediate safety concern, contact an attorney or the appropriate authorities right away.
THE BOTTOM LINE
Key Takeaways
- A child’s refusal usually does not cancel a custody or parenting-time order.
- Listen without interrogating, pressuring, or coaching your child.
- The reason for the refusal matters. Missing a friend is different from reporting abuse or feeling unsafe.
- Document what your child says and what you do in response.
- A child’s preference may matter, but children usually do not get the final decision.
- If the current arrangement is no longer working, ask the court to change the order instead of making a lasting change on your own.
- Get immediate help when you believe your child is in danger.
UNDERSTANDING THE REFUSAL
Why Do Children Refuse Visitation or Parenting Time?
Children may resist going to the other parent’s home for many reasons. Some are temporary and manageable. Others may point to a problem that needs immediate attention.
A child may refuse because:
- They would rather stay near friends, activities, or familiar routines.
- The rules are different at the other parent’s home.
- They are having trouble adjusting to two households.
- They are upset with the other parent or someone else in that home.
- Exchanges between the parents feel tense or frightening.
- They feel caught between their parents.
- They are being pressured to reject one parent.
- They are worried about a parent’s drinking, drug use, anger, or behavior.
- They have experienced abuse, neglect, or another unsafe situation.
Your first job is not to decide whether the reason is “good enough.” It is to listen carefully and learn what your child is trying to tell you.
During Episode 2 of The Family Brief, Jasmine Bhatt explained that a child’s refusal can come from something as simple as wanting to stay near a best friend, or from something happening in the other home that makes the child uncomfortable or unsafe. Parents may not know which situation they are facing at first.
That is why the next conversation matters.
YOUR COURT ORDER
Do You Have to Follow the Custody Order if Your Child Refuses?
In most situations, yes. A custody or parenting-time order remains in effect until the court changes it. As Jasmine explained on The Family Brief:
“You want to always follow your order if there is one.”
A child usually cannot cancel court-ordered parenting time just by saying they do not want to go. If a parent repeatedly prevents visits, the other parent may ask the court to enforce the order. Depending on the state and the facts, the court may consider contempt, makeup parenting time, attorney fees, or changes to the parenting arrangement. This does not mean that a Court will force a parent into an exchange if the child is unsafe.
Courts may consider the child’s age, the reason for the refusal, the parent’s response, and whether the parent made reasonable efforts to support the exchange.
The goal is to take the concern seriously without treating the child’s refusal as an automatic change to the order.
PRACTICAL NEXT STEPS
What Should You Do When Your Child Refuses to Go?
Stay Calm and Listen
Ask open, neutral questions such as:
- “Can you tell me what is making you not want to go?”
- “Did something happen that worried you?”
- “Is there anything you want me to know?”
- “What would help you feel better about going?”
Try not to react with anger, panic, or criticism of the other parent. A strong reaction can make a child shut down or feel responsible for what happens next.
Do Not Interrogate or Coach Your Child
There is a difference between listening and investigating. Avoid repeated or leading questions such as, “Did your dad hurt you?” or “Your mom was drinking again, wasn’t she?” Those questions can influence a child’s answers and create
concerns about coaching.
If your child shares something serious, write down what they said as accurately as you can, using their own words when possible.
Review Your Court Order
Read the current custody or parenting plan closely. Look for terms covering:
- Exchange times and locations
- Transportation
- Parent-to-parent communication
- Dispute resolution
- Counseling
- Supervised parenting time
- Emergency procedures
- Changes agreed to by both parents
Your order may already explain what should happen when a visit cannot occur or the parents disagree.
Document What Happened
Keep a factual record that includes:
- The date and time
- What your child said, using their own words when possible
- How your child acted
- Whether you encouraged the scheduled visit
- What you told the other parent
- Whether the exchange occurred
- Any calls made to an attorney, therapist, doctor, law enforcement, or child protective agency
Avoid adding conclusions you cannot support. “My child cried and said, ‘I am scared when Mom’s boyfriend yells,’” is more useful than “Mom’s house is dangerous.”
Communicate Carefully With the Other Parent
When it is safe to do so, tell the other parent what happened without turning the message into an accusation.
For example, you could say something like:
“Sam is very upset about tonight’s exchange and said he is worried about what happened last weekend. I am trying to understand the concern and follow our order. Can we talk about what may help?”
Keep messages focused on the child. Hostile texts, threats, and personal attacks can make an already difficult situation worse and may later be reviewed by the court.
Get Help Before the Problem Grows
A family law attorney can review your order, explain your state’s rules, and help determine whether you should seek enforcement, mediation, counseling, a modification, or emergency court action.
A child therapist may also help identify anxiety, family conflict, adjustment problems, or other concerns. Before arranging nonemergency treatment, review your order to see who has authority to make mental-health decisions for your child. Therapy can support your child, but it does not replace a court order.
WHEN SAFETY IS A CONCERN
What if Your Child Says They Feel Unsafe?
Treat any report of abuse, neglect, threats, unsafe driving, serious substance use, or violence seriously.
If you believe your child faces immediate danger:
- Call 911 or local law enforcement when emergency help is needed.
- Contact your state’s child protective agency to report abuse or neglect that you think may have occurred.
- Speak with a family law attorney as soon as possible.
- Ask whether emergency custody orders or temporary parenting-time restrictions may be appropriate.
- Preserve relevant messages, photographs, medical records, police reports, and witness information.
You don’t have to prove the entire situation before asking for help. At the same time, try not to make public accusations or question your child repeatedly. Let the proper professionals investigate.
If there is no immediate danger, an attorney can help you decide whether to requesta change to the order through the normal court process.
CHILD PREFERENCE
At What Age Can a Child Refuse Visitation?
There is no single age when a child automatically gains the right to disregard a custody order.
Courts may give more weight to the views of an older or more mature child, but a preference is not always the final decision. Judges still consider safety, stability, caregiving history, family relationships, and the child’s overall best interests.
Rules also differ by state:
| State | How the Child’s Preference May Be Considered |
|---|---|
| California | In California, a court shall consider the wishes of a child who is mature enough to form an intelligent preference about custody or visitation. A child age 14 or older who wants to address the court must be allowed to do so unless the judge finds that it would not be in the child’s best interests. The child’s wishes are considered, but the child does not make the final decision. Children younger than 14 may also address the court when the judge determines that doing so is appropriate. California Family Code § 3042 |
| Colorado | Colorado does not set an age when a child may choose where to live or whether to visit a parent. When deciding parenting time, the court must consider the wishes of a child who is mature enough to express a reasoned and independent preference. The court makes the final decision based on the child’s best interests. Colorado Revised Statutes § 14-10-124 |
| Georgia | In Georgia, a child who is 14 or older may choose which parent they want to live with. The court will usually follow that choice unless it finds that doing so would not be in the child’s best interests. For children ages 11 through 13, the judge must consider the child’s wishes, but the judge makes the final decision based on the child’s best interests. These rules apply to custody, not to whether a child may refuse a scheduled visit. Georgia Code § 19-9-3 |
| Texas | On request in a nonjury trial or hearing, the judge must interview a child age 12 or older about conservatorship or who should have the exclusive right to determine the child’s primary residence. The judge may interview a child about possession, access, or visitation, but the child does not make the final decision. Texas Family Code § 153.009 |
| Washington | Washington does not set an age when a child may choose where to live or whether to visit a parent. When deciding a child’s residential schedule, the court must consider the wishes of a child who is mature enough to express a reasoned and independent preference. The court makes the final decision after considering all relevant factors. RCW 26.09.187 |
Even in Georgia, where older children receive more say about which parent they live with, that does not give a child automatic authority to cancel each scheduled visit. Custody, primary residence, and visitation are related but separate questions.
WHEN THE PLAN NO LONGER WORKS
Can the Custody or Parenting-Time Order Be Changed?
Yes. A court may change a custody or parenting-time order when the legal requirements in that state are met. A change may be worth discussing when:
- The child’s refusal continues over time.
- The child is experiencing serious emotional distress.
- A parent has moved, or the schedule no longer works.
- The child’s school, health, or developmental needs have changed.
- There are concerns involving violence, abuse, neglect, or substance use.
- The current order is unclear or missing important protections.
- An older child has a strong, independent, and consistent preference.
Parents can sometimes reach an agreement without a contested hearing. However, a lasting agreement should generally be submitted to the court. An informal arrangement may be difficult to enforce and may leave the original order in place.
Learn more about child custody and parenting time and the factors courts may consider.
THE FAMILY BRIEF
Listen to the Full Conversation
This article expands on Episode 2 of The Family Brief, where Jasmine Bhatt discusses what parents should consider when a child refuses visitation or parenting time with the other parent.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Child Refusing Visitation FAQ
Can I get in trouble if my child refuses visitation?
Possibly. If the court believes you intentionally interfered with parenting time or did not make reasonable efforts to follow the order, you could face enforcement proceedings. The result depends on your child’s age, the reason for the refusal, your actions, and state law.
Should I physically force my child to go?
Do not use physical force to make a frightened or highly distressed child leave. Encourage your child to follow the schedule, document the steps you took, and get legal help promptly if the refusal continues. If you believe your child faces immediate danger, contact law enforcement, your state’s child protective agency, or an attorney right away.
What if my teenager refuses to see the other parent?
Teenagers may have more influence than younger children, but they generally cannot cancel a court order themselves. A judge may consider the teenager’s maturity, reasons, and whether the preference appears independent.
Can the other parent accuse me of parental alienation?
Yes. The other parent may claim you are encouraging the child’s refusal. Neutral communication, reasonable efforts to support parenting time, and careful documentation can help show how you responded. Learn more about behaviors that may affect a custody decision.
What if the other parent agrees that the child can stay with me?
A short-term agreement may resolve one missed visit, but save the agreement in writing. If the schedule is changing for more than a brief period, consider asking the court to approve a new order.
Will the judge talk directly to my child?
Possibly, but it depends on the child’s age, state law, local procedure, and the judge. Courts may also receive information through a custody evaluator, guardian ad litem, therapist, or another qualified professional.
LISTEN TO YOUR CHILD. PROTECT YOUR POSITION.
You Do Not Have to Choose Between Listening to Your Child and Following the Law
When your child refuses visitation, it can feel as though every option is wrong. Ignoring the child may overlook a serious concern. Ignoring the custody order may create legal problems.
Continue following the existing order unless the court changes it or an immediate safety concern requires emergency help. Document what happens and speak with an attorney promptly if the problem continues or your child may be at risk.
Modern Family Law helps parents understand their custody orders, address parenting-time disputes, and request changes when the current arrangement is no longer serving their child.
Schedule your free consultation or call (866) 409-3025. Virtual meetings are available.
This article is provided for general informational purposes only and does not constitute legal advice. Child custody and parenting-time laws vary by state and depend on the specific facts of each case. Reading this article or contacting Modern Family Law does not create an attorney-client relationship. Court orders should not be disregarded without advice from a qualified attorney or further direction from the court. If you believe a child is in immediate danger, contact 911, law enforcement, or the appropriate child protective agency. Consult an attorney licensed in your jurisdiction for advice about your circumstances.
