THE FAMILY BRIEF
How to help your child open up when they pull away: pause, listen with curiosity, give them room to settle, ask what kind of help they need, and keep the boundary while showing your love is unconditional.
To help your child open up, give them room to settle, listen before offering advice, and respond with curiosity. You can set limits while making it clear that your love does not depend on their behavior. The goal is to help them feel comfortable coming back to you, even after a difficult conversation.
Sometimes, asking your child about their day is really about wanting to know if they’re okay and hoping they’ll tell you if something is wrong.
That’s what makes episode 3 of The Family Brief, “The Parent Every Child Needs,” worth spending time with. Pediatric psychologist Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart joins the conversation to talk about what children need from us, and why getting closer can sometimes mean giving them a little room.
THE BOTTOM LINE
Key Takeaways
- Pause before reacting to an attitude or a short answer.
- Give your child time to settle before asking questions.
- Ask whether they want you to listen, help, or step in.
- Keep boundaries while showing that your love is unconditional.
- Adjust your approach as your child grows.
EVERY CHILD IS DIFFERENT
Parenting an 11-Year-Old and a 22-Year-Old
As a parent of two sons who are 11 and 22, I listened to this conversation through two different stages of parenting. One is approaching the teenage years, and the other is already an adult (kind of). Both relationships are two of the most important things to me, but my role for each child is very different. That’s why I found this episode especially helpful.
Dr. Lockhart puts words to that change: “It’s a different set of tools all the time.”
That’s a useful reminder. Having raised one child doesn’t mean we have every answer for another. I certainly don’t. And being needed differently doesn’t make us less important.
My J.D. shapes how I think about questions, details, and the difference between assuming and understanding. As a parent, this episode reminds me of the question I should ask myself before I try to talk to my children: “What does he need from me right now?”
STEP ONE
Pause Before You Respond
A sharp tone can hurt, especially when you’re tired and trying to help. It’s easy to focus on how your child spoke before asking what happened before they walked through the door.
Dr. Lockhart explains that the first step is managing your own response. That may mean listening without judging or reacting, taking a breath, taking a break, or waiting before addressing behavior that doesn’t require an immediate response.
Then, get curious. Is your child hungry? Worn out? Upset about something at school? You can address disrespect and still ask what is behind it. Listening doesn’t mean you’re accepting every negative behavior coming from your child.
GIVE SPACE
Give Them Room Before Asking Questions
In the episode, Tiffany shares how she changed her approach when her daughter gave short answers after school. I found this super relatable because when I ask my kids about their day, most of the time I get the same answer: “Fine.” Tiffany says she considered whether her daughter needed time to settle before talking.
That’s such a familiar parenting moment. We ask because we care. But our children may hear one more question or feel like we’re making a demand after they’ve experienced a day full of both at school.
Try offering a little room first. Later, you might say, “You seemed quiet when you got home. Want to talk, or would you rather have a little more time?” And remember, a quiet or short answer doesn’t have to close the conversation. You can leave the invitation open and let them know you’re happy to talk later.
After the conversation, The Family Brief co-host Tiffany Kahnen shared this reflection:
“One of the most insightful takeaways from my conversation with Dr. Lockhart was the power of approaching parenting with curiosity first. As parents, we often feel compelled to respond, advise, or solve a problem. But there is tremendous strength in slowing down, asking questions, and genuinely listening to understand what our children are experiencing. Dr. Lockhart reminds us that sometimes the most meaningful thing we can offer our children is the space to feel heard, understood, and supported.”
LISTEN FIRST
Ask Before You Try to Fix It
When your child tells you about a problem, it can feel natural to start solving it. As a “helicopter mom,” this has been one of my biggest parenting struggles. It’s hard to remember that they might be asking for a listener rather than a solution.
Dr. Lockhart offers a question parents can use:
“Do you just want to vent about this, or do you need my support, or do you need me to step in?”
That question gives your child a chance to explain what kind of help they want. It also gives you a moment to understand before taking action.
The American Academy of Pediatrics offers similar advice: listen without an immediate judgment or reaction and avoid turning a conversation into a lecture. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been guilty of a lecture when my intent is just to offer advice, so I really want to keep this tip in mind.
LOVE + LIMITS
Keep the Boundary and the Connection
Showing love doesn’t mean letting everything go. Dr. Lockhart describes the balance this way: “So it’s just loving your kid while having rules and boundaries.” You can say, “I want to hear why you’re upset. We still need to speak to each other respectfully.”
The point is to separate the behavior you need to address from your child’s place in your heart. A hard conversation should not leave them wondering whether they are still loved.
KNOW YOUR CHILD
Meet the Child in Front of You
Dr. Lockhart’s book, Love the Teen You Have, asks parents to pay attention to who their child is, rather than who they expected their child to become.
That includes how they connect. In the episode, she describes sharing texts, funny videos, and conversations about movies with her daughter. Not every connection has to start with a serious face-to-face talk.
A shared interest can give you somewhere to begin. You do not have to turn every moment together into a lesson.
FROM THE PRODUCER’S CHAIR
Why This Episode Feels Personal
I also appreciate the perspective Dom brings to these conversations as a parent of twins. And he was recently nominated for Super Dad, a nationwide competition where dads compete for a chance to appear in an Ace Hardware commercial.
Dominique Gilbert’s perspective:
As a producer, I’m especially excited about this episode because it’s easy to see everyday family life in the conversation. As a parent, I hear questions that feel familiar:
- Am I helping?
- Am I stepping in too quickly?
- How do I stay close as my child changes?
What I want parents to hear is that they don’t have to get every conversation right. There’s something useful here whether your child is still little or beginning to ask for more independence. I hope listeners find one idea they can try at home.
SEPARATED FAMILIES
When Your Family Is Also Going Through a Separation
The episode’s focus is parenting and connection. For parents facing a separation, those ideas can also be useful when thinking about daily life across two homes.
You might consider how your child can settle after an exchange, when there’s room for a phone call, and how to keep adult disagreements out of conversations with your child. Listening to your child shouldn’t put them in charge of resolving those disagreements.
If the questions involve parenting schedules, decision-making, or an existing custody order, a family law attorney can help you understand your options. Emotional support and legal questions may need different kinds of help.
COMMON QUESTIONS
Getting Your Child to Open Up
Why does my child give me one-word answers?
They may need time to settle, may not know how to explain what happened, or may not want to talk at that moment. Dr. Lockhart encourages parents to get curious rather than assume a short answer is about them.
How can I get my teenager to talk without pressuring them?
Offer an invitation, choose a calmer moment, and listen before giving advice. A shared activity or a text may be an easier starting point for some teens. Let them know the conversation can happen later, too.
Can I be a supportive parent and still have rules?
Yes. Dr. Lockhart’s discussion centers on combining love with boundaries. You can take your child’s feelings seriously while holding a limit on behavior.
LISTEN NOW
Listen to the Full Conversation on The Family Brief
This article draws on a conversation between The Family Brief hosts Tiffany Kahnen and Jasmine Bhatt and pediatric psychologist Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart. They talk about why there’s no single parenting formula, how children’s needs change as they grow, and how parents can show warmth while still setting boundaries. They also discuss talking with children about AI and thinking about which patterns from our own childhoods we want to carry into our parenting.
Listen to Episode 3, “The Parent Every Child Needs”:
This article provides general information and is not legal advice. Family law varies by state and individual circumstances. Talking with an attorney about your situation can help you understand how the law may apply to you.
